USA closes doors

This is a piece that I originally wrote for my CHIN451 class with Professor Haihong Yang. The prompt required us to write about a special moment in our lives. As I had never attempted to write satire in Mandarin, or any sort of real text besides a simple journal or academic essay, I took advantage of the broadness of this assignment to try it out. Readers proficient in both Chinese and English may notice a few discrepancies between the English version and the Chinese version. This is for two reasons: one, this is because some of the Chinese expressions simply do not translate well. At the core of this assignment, in fact, is the phonological similarity in Mandarin between 貿易戰 (trade war) and 毛衣戰 (sweater war). For this reason, the English “Sino-Sweater War” may seem a bit bizarre to the monolingual English reader. Two, this is due to the translation process itself: as I have proceeded translating this text from Chinese to English, I have made changes to maintain comprehension and cohesion in the English version. It is my hope that the inclusion of both the English and Chinese versions may promote a sense of shared academic and artistic community among domestic and Chinese international students, though it is but a small and

mostly ceremonial gesture.

USA closes doors, former President says “fun while it lasted”

This morning at 8:30 AM, the Former President of the United States of America announced his decision to place the country on sale in the international market. He also made public his plans to relocate to the Antarctic to oversee the construction of a seaside resort, citing what some journalists have described as “megalothymatic ennui” as a major reason for this decision, in addition to his alleged desire to move on to “bigger and better things.” The conference marked the launch of a grandiose publicity campaign and a limited-time offer in which the resort will offer a free sweater with each reservation. Trump made sure to emphasize the temporary nature of this “incredible deal.”

Harvard Business School Economics professor Bradley Smith believes that America’s so-called “National Bankruptcy” has resulted from the Sino-Sweater War’s severe economic hardships. Economic conditions have continued deteriorating ever since January of 2018, when the US decided to allocate the entirety of its economic resources to sweater production. According to market researchers, complications such as zipper failure and combustible materials have prevented American-made sweaters from achieving “even a marginal amount of success” in the international market.

The former Leader of Bald Eagle National Fervor Sweaters Unlimited, Hank Frasier, commonly known in billionaire circles as “Bill Gates on cocaine” took the chance to announce the company’s bankruptcy today immediately following the former President’s publicity stunt. Although broadcasting companies suggested various causes for the press conference’s low viewer ratings, they admitted that this was most likely due to a scheduling conflict with “The Big Bang Theory”.

The BBC has reported that Bald Eagle National Fervor Sweaters Unlimited suffered intense losses in its last months of operation, dropping to below 1% of international sweater market share. Meanwhile, other international sources have come out publicly to criticize Frasier’s shortsightedness, or as Germany’s Der Spiegel put it, “hedonistic self-destructive behavior.” In response to this intense scrutiny, Frasier has stated his refusal to acknowledge the validity of these accusations against his institution on “ideological grounds.''*

Real estate developers have also expressed waste management concerns, fearing that mounds of unused inventory currently lying in landfills may hinder future land development. The Leader™ responded by citing several strategic business partnerships meant to get rid of this inventory, among them the sweaters’ “remarkable efficiency” in Brazilian rainforest development. Frasier reports that he was not aware until recently that sweaters could be used as combustible materials.

Meanwhile, in China, the effects of the Sino-Sweater War have not been limited to increased

militarization and record provincial sweater production. Multitudes of Chinese citizens have reported being targeted for advertisements on the popular Chinese social media platform WeChat. One example advertised a “50 bedroom, 2 bathroom property” being sold for a “negotiable” price and a link to an online auction.

The Former First Lady was unable to be reached for comment.

*Due to increasing confusion over the terms “country” and “company”, news outlets have decided to use the term “institution” in its place to reflect this post-modernist entity.

灯塔国关闭

今天早上8点半，美国前总统宣布了把美利坚合众国投放市场的决定，经济专家认为毛衣战的蹂躏是 “全国破产” 的原因。2018年初，美国决定把所有的经济资源拨出来贡献给毛衣生产以来，经济形势变得越来越严峻了。根据市场研究的结果，毛衣从未能进入市场的原因是拉链失灵与可燃材料。

美国前总统称，“美国好是好，但我准备好了接受新的体验。“ 他打算搬到南极去，监督海边度假胜地的施工。“下周一之前预定房间的每一位客户都会收到一件毛衣，有时间限制，快来预定吧！！” 对于南极胜地的资金管理，总统怀疑资产是否会冻结。记者提醒他，气候对资产没有任何影响。

企业领导人也接受了审查。在今早的记者招待会上, Bald Eagle National Fervor Sweaters Unlimited以前的主任公开宣布破产。广播公司为评级低提出了若干可能的原因，但最有可能是因为记者招待会与《生活大爆炸》同时播出。

境外媒体称，运作的前两个星期，市场占有率降到1％以下。国际社会严厉地批评这个机构的决策失误。(在此阶段，“国家“ 与 “公司” 的界限完全不清楚，只好使用 “机构” 来替代)。对于这些指责，机构的主任说：

“我在意识形态的方面拒绝承认这个统计数字的存在。“

房地产开发商也表示对废弃物的关切，害怕无法出手的存货不利于发展。机构的主

任回答说：

“上个月，我们同意给巴西的一个公司捐赠毛衣，为建设热带雨林做贡献，这才是火中取栗吧！我们也捐赠了很多毛衣给非洲的穷人，让他们过一个又暖和又快乐的圣诞节！”

中国公民报告说在微信上看见卖美国的广告，比方说：

“50室，2卫，位置安静，邻居友好。价格可议。”

记者未能联系到前第一夫人。